FEGHOOTS

Did you hear about the mother who gave her twin sons up for adoption when they were babies? One of them went to a Spanish family and they named him Juan. The other went to an Egyptian family and they named him Amal. When Juan was 18 years old he sent a picture of himself to his mother and she said to her husband that she would also like to have a picture of Amal. Her husband said, "But they're twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?) Finally the trainergoosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR SNORTING QUACK.

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Let's not forget the Pututui in the South Pacific who received a golden throne as a gift from an Ambassador. Well, in Pututui they sit on the floor so the King instructed his servants to put the throne in the attic of his thatched lodge. Unfortunately, it was too heavy for the bamboo support members and fell on the King while he was sleeping and killed him. It just goes to show, people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

If James Bond worked for a pickle company, he'd be licensed to dill.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab on to my manhood and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make de Van Gogh."

A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was flying around. He shushed it away with his hand and it flew in the cow's ear. He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket. The farmer thought "In one ear and out the udder".

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Yep ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch.

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were ... marooned.

There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect situation.

Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest, firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.

George's usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others, truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbours would never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a show.

One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the best tasting cauliflowers ever, and their size would keep them in cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.

When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and appetising! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he returned home to the bosom of his loving wife.

As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right, not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared her special sauce.

George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else.

When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year, Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.

With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the wonderful aroma.

DISASTER!!!!

The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was so incrediblely revolting that both George and his wife could not even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered. Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine.

George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.

'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous red stains.'

Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source.

'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think of something.'

'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad.'

George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.

'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!'

Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been musing and had come up with an idea.

'What about lipstick?'

'What?'

'Well given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough money to take a little holiday.'

'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process.' she added, always concerned about these things.

'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George.

So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organised way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife laboured night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally they had produced the basic lipstick component.

'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly,' said Martha.

'Yes, and it still smells a bit,' said George, 'maybe we ought to put a warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.'

'Good idea,' Martha said 'what shall we write?'

George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new product.

'I've got it' he said 'we'll write...SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!'

A renowned scientist specializing in the geology and archaeology of ancient Africa was mounting an expedition to central Africa to study the interesting rock formations upon which it had been theorized that ancient civilizations had built their homes. He was accompanied by several students, each eager to get his or her first experience in the field as well as impress their professor.

The famous professor of geology and his assistants were investigating some fascinating rock formations which were, as far as they could determine, unknown to science. These particular rocks appeared to exhibit unusual characteristics. For example, when one of the students came up to them and began to test the rock's properties, she was amazed to discover that they appeared to contain traces of organisms, a rudimentary form of bacteria life. Deeply imbedded in the rocks were trace remains of carbon and other elements, all suggesting that these rocks were actually alive, at least in a very, very basic way. In fact their texture was somehow softer than other rocks.

The young scientist approached the professor with her discovery and could think of nothing else to say except to query the professor with a question: "Doctor, living stone, I presume?"

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P. M.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P. M. by the color change, and could consistently get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips.

"It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 P.M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'

This Frog hops up on the counter and says to the bank teller, "I want a loan." So the teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack'...go see her."

So the Frog hops off the counter, goes down the hall and into Ms. Wack's office, jumps up on her desk and says "I want a loan." Ms. Wack is quite puzzled, and gives the standard line. "We must have something to secure the loan...some collateral." At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan. So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes across the hall to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him... "I have this frog in my office, who says he wants loan...and this is what he has to secure it...and I don't even know what this thing is."

The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Ms. Wack, looks back at the "ceramic lion" and finally says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson's country home that the family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, "You're looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant and effervescent?"

"Having such a popular husband, of course."

"Surely there must be more to it than that, madam."

"Well, there's Old Hickory's dickery, doc."

These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:

"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really piss these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster pissed off, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

One day, a guy was on his way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as he sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into his windshield. If that wasn't strange enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there the guy was with a bird stuck on his windshield. Without any other apparent options, he turned on the windshield wipers to try to get rid of the bird. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind him. Unfortunately, the car behind him was a police car.

Immediately the lights went on and he was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told him that he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead his case fell on deaf ears.

The officer simply stated, "I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz, the good witch of the north, Glinda, spent her days floating around in her little bubble gazing at the land of Oz, hoping to see someone to help.

One day she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little yellow toad perched on a lily pad. He looked extremely depressed... She floated down to the toad and asked him what could be the matter.

"Oh Good Witch Glinda, I am completely colored yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the pond are green. Won't you please help me?" Mustering up all of her powers, she waved her magic wand over the toad, and his color changed to green. That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained bright yellow.

"Good Witch Glinda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're still yellow, while the rest of me is green!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad. My powers are not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you is the Wizard of Oz."

So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle, where the Wizard of Oz resided. Glinda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz. As she was passing over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant who looked horribly depressed.

"Oh, Good Witch Glinda, I am horribly depressed. I am completely colored pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are gray. Won't you please help me?"

Mustering up all of her powers, she waved her magic wand over the elephant, and his color changed to gray... That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained cheerfully pink.

"Good Witch Glinda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're so pink while the rest of me is gray!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant. My powers are not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you is the powerful Wizard of Oz."

"Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find this great 'Wizard of Oz?'"

And Glinda, The Good Witch said: "Just follow the yellow-pricked toad!"

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he came upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is:

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

Bill & Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season...opening day!!! Suddenly and very unexpectedly, before the game got started, Bill grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The audience at the game, as well as on the television stations, was shocked. Equally stunned was the home plate umpire. Leaning over to help Hillary get on her feet, he shouted, "No, Mr.President! I said 'throw the first pitch'!"

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon they were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to convince the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest and his children to visit the monks, asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a cudgel, shattered the windows of the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monk's black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.

Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery.

Proving, of course...Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my God, I am sooo sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summery day. He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgie.

A passerby who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask "What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?"

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, "I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone."

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA". The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem."

"What is it?" the man asked.

"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.

"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows...Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as ... Sinko de Mayo.

From IM, July/August 1999

The Cree Indians had few natural resources, but had a small manufacturing plant that produced large quantities of a product called "N-Tar." They had found a way to harden white limestone to make knickknacks for the tourist trade. The pieces were astonishingly white but had to be quite small, lest they crack apart. The tribe soon made a fortune on Wee Cree Things of Hoary N-Tar. (Jean Babcock)

When Leif Ericson returned from his New World voyage, he found his name had been dropped from his hometown registry and reported the omission to the mayor. That official, deeming it a slight to a distinguished citizen, protested strongly to the district census taker. "I'm terribly sorry," apologized the embarrassed officer, "I must have taken Leif off my census." (Jean Appel, Monterey CA)

In the boundless ocean, a father drop and a mother drop decided to teach their young offspringhow to be a responsible part of the sea. After a month of intensive training, father drop said proudly to mother drop, "I believe we've taught Junior everything he needs to know. I hereby declare him fit to be tide." (Gill Krebs, Charleston SC)

A physiology professor had Jane Fonda in his class. He told the class that asinthe causes cardiac hypertrophy. Unfamiliar with the term, Jane asked for clarification. His reply, "Absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda." (Gill Krebs, Charleston SC)

A woman bears twins but has to give them up for adoption. One boy goes to Egypt where his new parents name him "Amahl." The other goes to Mexico where they give him the name "Juan." Years go by. Juan decides to contact his biological mother so he sends her a picture of himself. She opens the letter, admires the photo, and remarks sadly to her husband, "I'e be so happy if I could just have a picture of my other son." "But they're twins," the husband replies. "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl." (Wally of Troy)

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself! (Karen Emerson)

Did you hear about the disaster at a major US university? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up. The scientists are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus' pieces. (Tennyson Collins)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a restaurant and sat down to eat. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to finish his dinner.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the restaurant bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'!"

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one...a real Sweet Potato, whom they called "Yam." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting Half Baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said not to worry...no Mr. McSpud would get her into the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!

But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Potato told her about going off to Europe, and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland, and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. The also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out West, because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay. Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U." - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a...COMMON TATER!!!!

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, and his bell did not ring all morning.

Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.

As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first-sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.

As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang, "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head..."

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...faster...faster...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything...but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin...

... and of course...

... the coffin stops!

There was once an evil scientist named Eric Strano. He hated all of humanity, a genuine homophobe. He was so mean that he moved to the wilds of Transylvania and erected signs all around his property saying, "EVIL SCIENTIST! KEEP OUT!" Strano hated mankind so much that he decided to do away with everyone on earth.

His fiendish plan was to develop an army of man-eating robots that would eat everyone on Earth. His first model, the Alpha, was not successful. It could take only a small bite, then spit it out.

Strano was not discouraged. The Beta model was a bit better, and each model after that was better still. Finally, Strano built the Kappa model, a mega-machine which could devour an entire human in one bite.

Strano then build an army of Kappas, and released them. They fanned out across Europe, eating every human in sight. Then they migrated to Africa, Asia and the Americas, still gobbling up every single person.

Finally, the Kappas had eaten every human on Earth but one, but they were programmed to still not be satisfied. Soon, Strano heard a loud clanking in the Transylvanian forest. Everywhere he turned, there was a robot bearing down upon him. It seems...

The Kappas had returned to swallow Strano.

A carpenter in New Hampshire was called upon to put up a new bulletin board in his church's vestry. Since the walls were Vermont marble, rather than nail it in, he tried to glue it. But he ran into problems. it wouldn't stick. Thinking it through he remade the frame out of burr oak. That adhered quite successfully, which lead him to observe, "If it ain't burr oak, don't affix it."

A guy is telling his friend about the concert he went to last night. "It was just fantastic! Mozart, Scarlotti, Beethoven, Scott Joplin, even Janis Joplin! He made it all live! Beautiful."

"Wow! What instrument does he play?"

"Uh, well, the windbreaker. He passes gas."

"You mean he goes up there on stage and cuts the cheese? And people pay to hear it?"

"Well, yeah, it sounds strange. But with a real musician, it doesn't matter what instrument he plays. He's got music inside him. Whatever he's playing, it'll show."

"You mean?"

"Yeah. His soul is greater than the hum of his farts."

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

One day a hunter was walking through the woods and he spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear thus saving the Indian Chief's life.

The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."

With this the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.

He turned to the Chief and asked why did't any of his maidens have nipples on their breast.

The Chief replied, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"