The Better Mouse Trap - Number 1

Place cat in trap; cat is polar opposite of mouse; opposites attract.  
Cat attracts mouse.  Remove mouse from interior of cat.  Re-assemble.

(From ChiMe via MOTS, via MenTally, via Palm Mensa.)

...............................

These are authentic explanations sent to insurance companies 
on accident reports, written by doctors.
-   "A mother died in infancy."
-   "Deceased had never been fatally sick."
-   "Died suddenly, nothing serious."
-   "Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead."
-   "Kicked by horse shod on left kidney."
-   "Pulmonary hemmorage, sudden death.  Duration four years."
-   "Deceased died from blood poison, caused by a broken ankle 
     which is remarkable as the car struck him between the lamp 
     and radiator."

(From PLAINSPEAKING, newsletter of Plains and Peaks Mensa, Colorado.)

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UNNATURAL LAWS

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen
     Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's Law
     Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
Amercrombie's Law
     No good deed ever goes unpunished.
Shrimpelheimer's Version
     Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's Law
     If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Handy Guide to Modern Science
     If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology;
     if it stinks, it's chemistry;
     if it doesn't work, it's physics;
     if there's a mushroom cloud over it, run like hell.
Green's Law of Debate
     Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Perry's Postulate
     For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Oliver's Law of Location
     No matter where you go, there you are.
Rabbet's Law
     When the going gets tough the tough -- all leave.
Glyme's Formula for Success
     The secret of success is sincerity.
     Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

(from WASHINGTON TOTEMS via San Diego Mensa.)

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Oxymoron:  n, pl oxymora: a combination of contradictory
           or incongrous words.  (Webster's Seventh New
           Collegiate Dictionary)

Examples:  Military intelligence.
           Good Pun
           Drunken Orgy
           American Cheese
           Jumbo Shrimp
           Hamburger Steak
           Civil War

(from FAMA, Ft. Worth Mensa.)

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WHEN YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING, DO YOU EVER WATCH YOUR STEP?

     Have you ever really looked through the Yellow Pages?  
You know, not just a quick scan but the sort of thing you 
do on those long winter days when you know there's 
absolutely no way you can get anywhere in your car and 
even if you could, the place closed five minutes ago.

     If you haven't, maybe it's time you did.  I mean, if 
you've ever wondered what's wrong with our country, a 
quick flip through the book should give you a clue. There 
are some very strange catagories tucked away on those 
pages.  I's usually most intrigued by the ones given on 
the outside top corner of the pages.  In fact, here's a 
list of some from an old phone book along with my 
interpretation of just what it is they're trying to sell.

- Accordian Advertising - How Lawrence Welk got his start.
- Advertising Air - LA's hottest new job catagory.
- Automobile Barbeque - For people who really love cars.
- Beauty Boat - A new show to air just before "Love Boat."
- Cellular Chiropractic - For those who are really out of 
  shape.
- Contact Dancing - Is it legal to charge for this?
- Electric Exterminating - Bug lights.
- Lawn Loans - For those who hate to mow.
- Musical Oils - They don't stop the squeaks, but they do 
  make them sound better.
- Pest Pharmacies - Bug drugs (I think).
- Scuba Sewing - The follow-up to underwater basket 
  weaving.
- Tree Typesetting - The latest product of genetic 
  engineers, the grow-it-yourself newspaper.
- Vitamins Washing - How-to for the health nuts.
- Water Welding - For those with really hard water.

by The Phantom Juggler...
(from MENSION, Feb. 1986, Mid-America Mensa.)

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Q:  What is the difference between an educated person, 
    an intellectual and a Mensan?
A:  The educated person wears a T-shirt that says 
    "E=MC2" on it;  the intellectual's T-shirt says 
    "Rik=H(Tix-1/2gikT)" (Einstein's General Theory of 
    Relativity);  the Mensan wears a T-shirt that says 
    "Einstein had problems with his relatives."

(from GRAFFITI)

...............................

Three men met at the Pearly Gates and found that they 
were each to be asked the same question by admitting 
officer St. Peter.

The first man was asked, "Have you always been faithful 
to your wife?"

"Yes," he replied, "I have never strayed.  I have been 
faithful."  St. Peter commended him and gave him a 
beautiful new Cadillac to use on the Golden Streets.

St. Peter asked the same question of the second man, 
who replied, "Well, almost.  I have only been unfaithful 
a couple of times in all those years."  He was given a 
shiny new bicycle with which to travel around Heaven.

The third man was asked if he had been faithful.  "No, 
I can't say I have.  Many opportunities came my way, 
and I'm sorry to say I took advantage of them all."  
St. Peter gave him a skateboard for his travels.

One day soon after, the man on the skateboard came 
alongside the man in the Cadillac, who was crying 
bitterly.

"What's wrong?" asked the skateboarder.  "There you 
are in your fancy Cadillac, and you're weeping.  I 
have only this skateboard.  Why do you carry on so?  
What do you have to be sad about?"

"Well," said the man in the Cadillac, "I just saw 
my wife go by on a skateboard!"

...............................

ELEPHANT STEW

1 Elephant
Brown Gravy
Salt and Pepper
2 Rabbits (optional)

Cut elephant into bite-size pieces.  
This should take about 2 months.  
Cover with brown gravy.  
Cook over kerosene fire about four weeks at 465 
degrees Fahrenheit.  
Two rabbits may be added, but only if absolutely 
necessary, as most people do not like to find 
hare in their stew!

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HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A "BOOKAHOLIC"

As a child, you read under the covers using a 
flashlight.

As a child, you were angry when your parents 
would NOT teach you how to read.

As a child, you were punished for reading 
above your reading level.

You use clear contact paper to protect your 
paperbacks.

You can't sort your books, because halfway 
through you start to read them.

You never throw a book out -- you either sell 
it or find a good home for it.

You have a ridiculously long backlog of unread 
titles.

You must own any book you read and like.

You own more than one copy of a favorite book.

You purchase earlier books in a series to 
get the cover art.

You keep books you don't like because you might 
want to read the bad parts again.

You find yourself buying copies of books you 
owned previously and discarded.

You measure distances in terms of the time 
available for reading en route.

You carry more than one item to read when you 
go out.

You purchase a fresh copy of a title to replace 
a worn one.

You buy copies because you have forgotten you 
own one already.

You purchase a second copy when you can't 
find the one you already own.

Your bookshelves are two deep with books.

(from ChiMe, March 1989, newsletter of 
Chicago Area Mensa.)

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LET'S DO IT!

Prune makers do it with a plum.
Obsessive-compulsives redo it.
Masochists do it painstakingly.
Nudists barely do it.
Lawyers do it briefly.
Siamese twins do it with togetherness.
Juries do it deliberately.
Tree surgeons do it out on a limb.
Endocrine glands do it secretively.
Librarians overdue it.
Mensans do it with their heads.
Mechanics only torque about it.
Lonely cowboys do it sheepishly.
Choral singers do it with glee.
Amnesiacs can't remember how they do it.
Ecdysiasts undo it.

(from ORACLE, Jan 1986, newsletter of 
Orange County Mensa.)