EAST TEXAS MENSA

ETM MONTHLY HUMOR

ACCENT
Sent by Ed Gordon
   An Englishman in New York City stepped down from the sidewalk into the street close to the passing cars to take a better photograph of a very tall building.
   A policeman close by shouted, "Hey man! Did you come here to die?"
   "No," said the Briton. "I came here yesterday ..."
 

SOME VALUABLE INFO ON THE EGG BUSINESS !!!
from Rael
   My Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young.  He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.  My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced.  Now this took an awful lot of time.  So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
   He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
   My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
    They not only awarded him the No Bell Prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
 

26 Things To Show That You Have Grown Up
A. Your potted plants stay alive.
B. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
C. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
D. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
E. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
F. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
G. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and break up.
H. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
I. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
J. You're the one calling the police because dumb kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
K. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
L. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
M. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
N. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
O. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
P. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Q. Dinner & a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
R. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
S. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
T. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.
U. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
V. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs.
W. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
X. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Thanks to Pamela Napoli, Dallas and Paul T. Fanning, Tyler
 

LAWYER JOKE
   One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
   "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
   "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
   "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
   "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
   "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
   "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.  They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
   The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
Thanks to Cary Nickolson.
 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ....In that order.
You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...one month at a time.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and it stays out.
One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scallywag," and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
Your social security number only has three digits.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."
At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
Paul T. Fanning
 

THE COLLEGE CLASS OF 2004
 Forwarded by Tim Peake
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.  Here is this year's list! :

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played PAC Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced! when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!".
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
They have never seen a telephone with an actual "dial" on it. They think that "dial" means "enter" or "press".
In fact, they have probably never seen a radio with a "dial" on it, either.
Probably none of the entering freshmen have smallpox vaccination scars, and they probably don't even know what smallpox is, or polio, for that matter.
(...and thank God for this!)
Do you feel old yet?
 

JOB APPLICATION
From Smitty's daughter Sherry Adams
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
 

DOCTOR JOKE
from Stu Lucas
This man phones his doc saying he thinks his wife has appendicitis.
"That's impossible" says the physician, "She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anyone with two appendixes?"
"No, doc", the husband replied, "But have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
 

REAL ESTATE JOKE
from Laffaday
   A real estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
   "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."
 

FAMOUS LAST WORDS
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
This doesn't taste right.
Nice doggie.
What duck?
That's odd.
Now watch this.
Thanks to Bo McLaughlin and Paul T. Fanning, Tyler, Texas
 

ADVICE FROM MARTHA STEWART & ME
MARTHA'S WAY #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
MY WAY: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. For Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
MARTHA'S WAY #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
MY WAY: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
MARTHA'S WAY #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
MY WAY: Buy a box of Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
MARTHA'S WAY #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
MY WAY: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
MARTHA'S WAY #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
MY WAY: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
MARTHA'S WAY #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
MY WAY: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
MARTHA'S WAY #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
MY WAY: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
MARTHA'S WAY #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
MY WAY: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
MARTHA'S WAY #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
MY WAY: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
MARTHA'S WAY #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
MY WAY: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
MARTHA'S WAY #11: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
MY WAY: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
MARTHA'S WAY #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
MY WAY: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
MARTHA'S WAY #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
MY WAY: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
MARTHA'S WAY #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
MY WAY: Beware of anything that smells like a fart -- Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
MARTHA'S WAY #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
MY WAY: Martha, you Dumb-ass, the only reason this works is because you can't rub