EAST TEXAS MENSA

ETM MONTHLY HUMOR

INVESTMENTS FOR DUMMIES
from April May

As your first step in investing for huge profits, you need to become familiar with these useful terminologies:
CEO - - - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - - - Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET - - - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - - - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no food.
VALUE INVESTING - - - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - - - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - - - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - - - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - - - The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - - - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - - - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - - - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - - - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - - - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 - - - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - - - Past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.
PROFIT - - - An archaic word no longer in use.
SHORT TERM - - - Before lunch.
LONG TERM - - - All day.
DAY TRADER - - - Trades all day -- can't sleep at night.
ABC- - - (Always Be Careful)

OIL COMPANY EMPLOYEE JOB PLACEMENT
from April May

For every oil company that struggles with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs, here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employee you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Drilling. If they are talking to the chairs, Human Resources are a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Production. And if they've left early, put them in Land.

MULTI-TASKING:
Hilda says, “With age comes skill at multitasking. I can laugh, cough, sneeze and pee all at the same time!”

NEW BIRDS AND BEES STORY
from Worth Holmes via Paul T. Fanning

Son asks Father: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male!

AT THE PEARLY GATES
from Speedy

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of ruthless bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
From Speedy
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip.
They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''

WHICH ONE IS CLOSER?
from Sharon Godwin via Paul T. Fanning

One blonde asks the other, "Which is further... London or the Moon?"
The other replies, "Well, HELLOOOOO! Can you see London?”

"DARK AND STORMY NIGHT"
competition from Speedy (Rerun I think-CD)

These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20.. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it.

WW II
from Durwood

Boudreaux and Thibodaux were GIs in France at the end of World War II. Thibodaux, viewing all the devastation, told him how sorry he felt for the poor French people. Boudreaux replied, “Well, they never should have left Louisiana in the first place.”

DRIVING WITH YOUR WIFE
from Speedy

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

WHAT'S IN A NAME?
from Denise F.

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work, however. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU"

THE XEROX FLASHER
from Durwood

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretary’s desks. The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!"

His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!" She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

PAINT the PORCH
from Speedy

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

FEAR
from Wayne T

Androphobia is a fear of men.
Caligynephobia is a fear of beautiful women.
Pentheraphobia is a fear of a mother-in-law.
Scopophobia is a fear of being looked at.
Phobophobia is a fear of fearing.
Mageiricophobia is the intense fear of having to cook.
Papaphobia is the fear of Popes.
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive

THE MISTRESS
from Durwood

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

SENIOR PICK-UP LINE
from Durwood

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

THE WORKING MAN BLUES
from Speedy – (another rerun)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I was discharged. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So I retired and I found I’m a perfect fit for this job!

SECRETS
from Durwood

"I have to tell the truth," Mark said to Michelle. "While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist." "Don't worry about it," said Michelle. "I've been secretly seeing a lawyer and a car salesman."

REMEMBER THESE OLD WORDS AND PHRASES?
From Speedy

FENDER SKIRTS. What a great blast from the past! I haven't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress. Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "CURB FEELERS" and "STEERING KNOBS." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you. Remember "CONTINENTAL KITS?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental. When did we quit calling them "EMERGENCY BRAKES"? At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake." I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "FOOT FEED".

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "STORE-BOUGHT". Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy. "COAST-TO-COAST" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me. On a smaller scale, "WALL-TO-WALL" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "IN A FAMILY WAY"? It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting". Apparently "BRASSIERE" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all. It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper - "DIVORCE". And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee". Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day--"RAT FINK". Ooh, what a nasty put-down! Here's a word I miss--"PERCOLATOR." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision"! Food for thought - was there a telethon that wiped out LUMBAGO? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "SUPPER". Now everybody says "dinner". Save a great word. Invite someone to "supper". Discuss fender skirts.

SCOTCH AND WATER
from Speedy

This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't qualify, save a copy till you do.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

MEMORIES
from Tom Clegg

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street, A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat. In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone, And no need for recording things, someone was always home. We only had a living room where we would congregate, Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate. We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine, When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two, But always there was one of them with something worth the view. For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip, and if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip. Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook, and nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book. The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients, No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play, we all did things together -- even go to church to pray. When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather, No one stayed at home because we liked to be together. Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own, but we knew where the others were without our own cell phone. Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star, and nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason. Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know, Have real action playing ball -- and no game video. Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend, and didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend? The way that he took care of you or what he had to do, because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store and shopping casually, and when you went to pay for it you used your own money? Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount, Remember when the cashier person had to really count? Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and clean, and chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green. The milkman used to go from door to door, and it was just a few cents more than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door, Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store. The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent; there were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant." Remember when the words "I do," meant that you really did, And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid. T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a mistake," There was a time when married life was built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take, and you would know the kind of car, the model and the make. They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile; they were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style. One time the music that you played whenever you would jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five. The record player had a post to keep them all in line, And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today, And always we were striving, trying for a better way. And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things, we now can even program phones with music or with rings. Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun, how can you explain a game, just kick the can and run? And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes, And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways, I love the new technology but I sure miss those days. So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same, But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

SPEND THE NIGHT?
from Durwood

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?" Rory got to spend the night.

GLOBALIZATION
from Paul T. Fanning

Question: What is the best example of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization.

GLOBALIZATION
from Speedy

Quote from Chris Rock..... "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick' and 'Colon'"

THE “FALLEN”
from Durwood

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

WHAT’S WRONG . . .
from Paul Harvey via Speedy

What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved. There's not a problem in America today, that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.

People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog. We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or pillage, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings. Our values were better when our roads were worse!

People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience. Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box. What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.

At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap. Paved roads lead to stress and danger. Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.

At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar . . .always you got a new friend . . . at the end of a Dirt Road.

BUSINESS LESSONS
from April May

Business Lesson #1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Business Lesson #2:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which he accepted. She got in and a glimpse of her skirt revealed a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Business Lesson #3:
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Business Lesson #4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Business Lesson #5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Business Lesson #6:
In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. Moral of the story: It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass!

THE BACON TREE
from Speedy

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pancho" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Poncho. So Poncho goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pancho.

"Pancho!! Pancho!! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath Pancho calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree! Ees... a.... Ham bush"

WASHINGTON POST STYLE INVITATIONAL
from “Bo” McLaughlin via Paul T. Fanning

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

1 - Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2 - Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3 - Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4 - Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5 - Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6 - Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7 - Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8 - Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9 - Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10- Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11- Glibido: All talk and no action.
12- Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14- Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
16- And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

DIFFERENT WORLD
from Speedy

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO:
from April May

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges" is not a typo.
(3) The only expense that is covered 100%... is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you two Popsicle sticks and duct tape.

THE CAKE BAKE
from Jenanne

Sue was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Sue found it in the bathroom--a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.

Sue then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale the attractive cake had already been sold. Sue was beside herself.

The next day, Sue was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Sue saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Sue sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say. "Thank you; I baked it myself."

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
From April May

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

THE SHOE BOX
from Speedy

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time he should know what was in the box. When he opened it he found 2 crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were married, "she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.

The little old man was so moved: he had to fight back tears. Only 2 precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him 2 times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey", he said, " that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
from Durwood

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

GETTING MARRIED
from Durwood

Two elderly pensioners were eating lunch in a Miami deli when one suddenly blurted, "I'm getting married next week."
"Married! Max are you crazy? You're 89 years old."
"I'm in love."
"Can she cook?"
"Are you kidding? She can't even boil water."
"Is she attractive?"
"Attractive? She has a face like a horse."
"Is she at least good in bed?"
"Ha! She's a year older than I am...she hasn't done it for 30 years."
"Then why are you getting married?"
"She can drive at night."

Copyright © 2005 East Texas Mensa. All rights reserved.
The Mensa logo is a registered trademark of International Mensa Limited, all rights reserved.
Mensa does not hold any opinion or have, or express, any political or religious views.
Mensa (r) is registered at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office as the collective mark of an international membership organization.