ETM MONTHLY HUMOR
ETM MONTHLY HUMOR
THE CAB DRIVER
from Durwood
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
THE CONTEST
from Dana Bell
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!" The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!" Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again, "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!" The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!"
THE AMISH ELEVATOR
from Speedy
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24- year-old blonde stepped out!
The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."
PERSONNEL REQUEST
from Paul T. Fanning
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT
from Speedy
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6, People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask" and you're not even wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
from Speedy
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's O. K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you are.
5. Twenty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
And the number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex----
1. You can do the whole neighborhood!
FUNERAL
from April May
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."
THE ACCIDENT
from April May
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "
"WHO WANTS TO BE A BLONDE MILLIONAIRE?"
from April May & Tom W.
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is . . . . absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice.
By the way.. how did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
SMART BLONDE
from Wayne T.
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" lifting her tank top to reveal a wonderful pair of C-cuppers. "Errm, very good, dear," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24...."
CYNIC'S APPROACH TO LOVE:
from Durwood
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
REAL FOOD FOR THOUGHT
from Speedy
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"
Don't you just love old people?
MONKEY BUSINESS
from Durwood
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey continued motioning. "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
ONLY IN AMERICA
from Speedy
Only in America...
...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being to fat.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don't forget screws in three's and nails by the dozen.
...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER...
... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
... Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
... Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
... Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
... Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
... Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
... Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
... Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
... Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
... Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
... Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
... You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
... Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
... Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
... Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
... If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
... If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
IF DOGS WROTE LETTERS TO GOD . . . .
from Speedy
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle! '? If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. When we get to the Pearly Gates,
do we have to shake hands to get in? Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. The sofa is not a face towel-- neither are Mom and Dad's laps. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying'hello.' I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. I will not throw up in the car. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. The cat is not a squeaky toy. So when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. Dear God: May I have my testicles back?
WHO? WHAT? WHY?
From Linda C.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
BEER DRINKING LINKED TO UN-AMERICAN ACTIVITY
from Charles Beachley via Paul T. Fanning
A recent study indicates that excessive beer consumption in the United States may lessen patriotism. "Just think it through," says Professor Mark Johnson, head of the Texas A&M team that produced the study. "You're out hunting and around the campfire. You throw a six-pack or two down your neck. Sure, as long as you're there at the campfire, you're an American. But once you get on the other side of that tree, what are you? You're a-peein'."
All-Time Best of the...WORST COUNTRY SONG TITLES!
Naturally, you'll be wondering what an erudite gentleman such as I would be doing with such a list on his site. A few summers ago, I had the pleasure of shooting a documentary on rodeos. It was a wonderful experience, with one exception. PA announcers at rodeos have this terrible predisposition towards playing country music at high decibel levels, virtually non-stop. In addition to driving my sound guys crazy, this led to the discovery that our entire crew had pretty much reached our maximum saturation point for country music... after the first rodeo. By the end of the summer, I found myself actually singing along with a song about how "I'm married to a waitress and I don't even know her name."
With this in mind, I proudly present my list of country song titles. Now in new, improved, alphabetical order! If you have any to add, please email hupka@mg.sk.ca
“All I Want From You (Is Away)” Written by Bobby Harden (ASCAP)
“All My Exes Live In Texas”
“All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down” Written by Gene Plott, Harold Powell & Roni Stoneman (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?” (courtesy of Michael) “Double Parked Heart” by Jim Pollock (BMI) (Could this be the same song?)
“An Old Flame Can't Hold A Candle To You” Several songs in the databases called "Old Flame."
“Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus?” (courtesy of Sylvester) by Mojo Nixon, Country Dick Montana, Peter & Louise Berryman (BMI) According to Sylvester, the song contains the truly touching lyrics: "Does your head pound Jesus as hung over you do rise....; how does paradise look Jesus, through holy bloodshot eyes...; Should we take a cab home Jesus...aw man we can hoof it from here...; I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?"
“Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?” (courtesy of Joel)
“At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump” (courtesy of Barry) Apparently this is from a Weird Al Yankovic song, "One More Minute." But it sounds like a country title, so I'll keep it!
“Beauty is Only Skin Deep, but Ugly Goes Clean to the Bone” (courtesy of Ken) I've found 2 songs titled "Beauty is Only Skin Deep" - one was recorded by The Temptations and The Miracles and won a BMI Songwriting Award for Eddie Holland & Norman Whitfield. The other was written by Francis Burke & Don Raye (ASCAP)
“Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears” (courtesy of Jim) According to Lynn, this was recorded by Peter Drake.
“Bubba Shot The Jukebox”
“Bubba's Inconvenience Store” by Bett Butler (BMI)
“Come out of the Wheat field Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain” (courtesy of Louis) Apparently heard in Liverpool, 30 years ago. Wasn't there anything better to listen to in Liverpool 30 years ago???
“Cow Cow Blues” Written by Charles "Cow Cow" Davenport (ACAP), and recorded by Bing Crosby, among others. Not a country song at all, as it turns out, but I've left it on the list because of the title's similarity to...
“Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)” This one's been performed by everyone from The Judds to Mel Torme, according to ASCAP. Also not to be confused with...
“Cow Cow Strut” by Barbara Chamberlin (SOCAN)
“Did I Shave my Legs for This?” by Deana Carter (courtesy of Scott)
“Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You” by Tanya Tucker (BMI)
“Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load!” (courtesy of Garnet)
“Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind” by Loretta Lynn (BMI) (courtesy of Hamp)
“Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride” (courtesy of Diane)
“Don't Make Love To a Country Music Singer” written by Robert Morrison & Dale WM Thomas (ASCAP)
“Don't Roll Those Bloodshot Eyes at Me” (courtesy of Richard) Several songs called "Bloodshot Eyes" in the database.
“Don't Squeeze My Sharmon”. (Yes, that IS the correct spelling) Written by Carl Belew & Van Givens (BMI)
“Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)” Written by Pat Alger & Hal Ketchum (BMI)
“Drop Kick Me Jesus” (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.) Written by Paul Charles Craft
“Feelin' Single and Drinkin' Doubles” Written by Donald Fagan & Johnnie Masters (BMI)
“Feelin' Single and Seein' Double” (courtesy of Laurence) by Emmy Lou Harris (Elite Hotel album, says Laurence) - written by Wayne Kemp (BMI)
“Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat” Written by Rex Pearce (BMI) (courtesy of Rick)
“Get Off The Stove,Grandma, You're Too Old To Ride The Range” by Colin Hartridge (SOCAN)
“Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)” by Bull Moose Jackson
“Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed” Written by Richard Friedman (BMI)
“Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah” (a Bitter New Year's Eve) by Red Ingle and the Natural Seven, Written by Foster Carling & Joe Washburne (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms” by the Austin Lounge Lizards (ASCAP)
“Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart” Written by Liz Anderson (BMI)
“Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance” (courtesy of Tom, who isn't sure it's a real song)
“He's got a Way with Women...and He's Just got Away with Mine” (courtesy of Mick) A whopping 17 songs titled "He's Got a Way With Women" in the BMI database.
“Her Only Bad Habit Is Me” Believe it or not, three songs with this title in the BMI database.
“Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)” by Travis Tritt - "It's All About to Change" (several folks submitted this one)
“He Went To Sleep and The Hogs Ate Him (Now Claude's Gone Forever)” (courtesy of Pam) Pam says - "don't know who wrote/recorded it. used to be on the jukebox at Lester's Cafe Howdy, Cleveland OH. (mercifully demolished back in the '80s). BMI database says it's written by Nathaniel Nathan, Gene Redd & Ray Starr.
“High Cost of Low Living” by John Steele & James Sloane (ASCAP)
“Hog Sloppin' Time in the Hollow” (courtesy of Bob, who claims it's "A true love song") by Chuck Mayfield - Written by Antell & Tyler (BMI)
“Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again” (courtesy of Susan)
“How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me?” (courtesy of Dan) “How Can I Get Over You Till You Get Out from Under Him?” (alternate title courtesy of Mike)
“How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?” Written by Leonard Linnehan & Louis Philip Perry (ASCAP) (courtesy of Charles) But there are a half-dozen songs with this title in the BMI database!
“How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?” According to Murphy, this song was written for the film Royal Wedding starring Fred Astaire, and was a novelty dance number. This is confirmed by Esther, who remembers hearing the song as a little girl in the 1930s and 40s. Matti confirms it was written specifically for the film. Burton Lane & Alan Jay Lerner (ASCAP)
“How Come My Dog Don't Bark (When You Come Around)?” (courtesy of Steve) by Dr. John
“How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?” by Mel Tillis (BMI)
“How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?” (courtesy of Mark, who's not sure it's a real song either)
“I-95 Asshole Song” (courtesy of Stacy) written by Fred August Campbell (BMI)
“I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me” 2 songs with this title in the BMI database (courtesy of Rick)
“I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home” (courtesy of Rick)
“I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life” (courtesy of Charles)
“I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car” a.k.a. "Plastic Jesus" by Ernie Marrs (courtesy of Bill)
“I Don't Do Floors” by Don Cook & Charles Victor Rains (ASCAP)
“I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling” by Thom Sharpe (courtesy of Gail, who tells me he wrote a number of comedy songs)
“I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me” (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me” (courtesy of Charles)
“I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart” Written by Jack Clement (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
“I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade” (courtesy of Bruce)
“I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger” (courtesy of Maureen)
“I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You” According to ASCAP, the actual title is simply, "Tears In My Ears"
“I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line” (courtesy of John) Apparently written & performed by Buck Owens
“I Got Through Everything But The Door”
“I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming” by Vern Gosdin (ASCAP)
“I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You” Written by Byron Gallimore, Don Pfrimmer & William Shore (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
“I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up”
“I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y " (courtesy of Frank)
“I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)”
“I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love” There are 4 songs called "Artificial Flowers" in the BMI database (courtesy of Jerry)
“I Spent My Last Ten Dollars on Birth Control and Beer” (courtesy of Rennie) by 2 Nice Girls (on their self-titled 1989 album) - written by Clara Phillips (BMI)
“I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better” (courtesy of Eric)
“I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart” (courtesy of Dan)
“I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me”
“Wanna Be A Blue Light Special In The K Mart Of Your Heart” (courtesy of Gene, who "heard it in a little bar in Covington, Kentucky... And yes, it was as bad as it sounds like it would be.) There are a surprising 11 songs titled "Blue Light Special" in the BMI database!
“I Wanna Whip Your Cow” (courtesy of Charles)
“I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me” According to Sean, this may be "I Looked Back" by Jimmy Eaton & Larry Wagner, recorded by Perry Como. If that's the case, I think we can safely move it out of the "country" category! On the other hand, according to Steve, it was a duet performed by Buck Owens and Susan Raye in the 1960s, called "Looking Back to See," which would move it right back into the "country" category. Finally, according to Beth, it was originally recorded by Red Sovine and Goldie Hill.
“I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me” by Rev.Billy C. Wirtz (courtesy of Zev)
“I Went Out On A Limb and Fell Off the Family Tree” (courtesy of Brad)
“I Wish I Were A Lesbian” by Loudon Wainwright III (ASCAP)
“I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)” (courtesy of Mick)
“I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!” (courtesy of Charles) According to Shalom, the actual title of this song is "I Couldn't Spell !!*@!" , by Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs (same guys who hit it big with Wooly Bully). It came out in 1968 on M-G-M #13972, and was their last Top 40 song.
“I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win” (courtesy of Charles)
“I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing” (courtesy of Mike)
“I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You”
“If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You” by Freddie Hart (BMI)
“If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It” Two songs with this title in the BMI database
“If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You” (courtesy of Charles)
“If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now” (courtesy of Tom) by Reuben Darnell
“If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You” by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks (courtesy of Peter)
“If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen” (courtesy of Mike)
“If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me” Five songs in the BMI database called "If I Were In Your Shoes" (courtesy of Mick)
“If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low” (courtesy of Charles)
“If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You” (courtesy of Charles and Ray)
“If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I'd Blow It All On You” (Title from BMI database)
“If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo!” (Another version of the title)
“If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train” (courtesy of Phil)
“If the Devil Danced in Empty Pockets, He'd Have a Ball in Mine” by Joe Diffie (ASCAP) (courtesy of Jennifer)
“If The Jukebox Took Teardrops” 2 songs with this title listed in the ASCAP database.
“If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me” by Jimmy Buffett, also recorded by Crystal Gayle (ASCAP) (courtesy of Carol)
“If Today Was a Fish, I'd Throw It Back In” 3 songs titled "If Today Was a Fish" in the BMI database. (courtesy of Rick & Frank)
“If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me” Written by Tim Bussey & Mark Maxwell (BMI)
“If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It” by Neal McCoy (BMI) (courtesy of Betsy)
“If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl.” by Tommy Collins (BMI)
“If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?” Written by Benjamin Costello, Alexis Feltham & Jason Whalley (BMI) (courtesy of Simon)
“If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will” (courtesy of Barry)
“If You Ever Get the Feelin' I Don't Love You, Feel Again.”
“If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?” Three songs in the BMI database with this title. (courtesy of Charles)
“If You Leave Me I'm Gone” by Hunter Davis (ASCAP)
“If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave” (courtesy of Phil)
“If You Got the Money, Honey, I Got the Time” by Hank Williams (courtesy of Bill)
“If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!” (courtesy of Peter)
“If You're Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right” (courtesy of Kathy) by Vern Gosdin & Max Barnes (BMI)
“If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife's Heart” (courtesy of Blair)
“If You Want Your Freedom PDQ, Divorce Me COD” Written by Cliffie Stone & Merle Travis. Also recorded by Boxcar Willie and Glen Campbell.
“If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure.” Written by Stuart Holdsworth, Jack Routh & Randy Sharp (BMI)
“I Like Bananas Because They Have No Bones” by Hoosier Hot Shots, Written by Chris Yacich (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.”
“I'll Tennessee You In My Dreams”
“I'm Drinkin Christmas Dinner (All Alone This Year)” (courtesy of Stephen) by Mac Davis & Freddy Weller (BMI)
“I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home.”
“I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of my Car and Drive Myself to Drink” From the album "Fear of Frying" by a Marin County (California) band called "Eggs Over Easy", around 1968 (courtesy of Mark) Unfortunately, according to Eric, "After years of searching, I have finally obtained a copy of the album "Fear of Frying" by the Marin County band "Eggs Over Easy". And, I must report, there is no song titled "I'm gonna put a bar in the back of my car and drive myself to drink" Nothing even remotely similar. Nor does this line, or anything similar to this line, appear in any song on the album. Still, it's a great title"
“I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail” Two songs with this title in the BMI database.
“I'm In Love With A Capital U” (courtesy of Sara Kate) by Country Joe Diffie. Written by Nelson & Wiseman (BMI)
“I'm Just an Old Chunk of Coal (But I'm Gonna be a Diamond Someday)” (courtesy of Neo) written by Billy Joe Shaver (BMI) Recorded by Johnny Cash and John Anderson, among others.
“I'm Quittin' Wild Turkey Cold Turkey” Believe it or not, 24 songs called "Cold Turkey" in the BMI database. Only 13 called "Wild Turkey" (courtesy of Mandy)
“I'm So Miserable Without You, it's Almost like Having you Here” (courtesy of Mike, who isn't sure it's a real song) There are several songs called "I'm So Miserable Without You" in the BMI database. But Tina says it was written by Jimmy Folker and Korky May, from Oxford, PA.
“I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised” by Johnny Paycheck (BMI)
“I'm Under The Table Over You” (courtesy of Buddy)
“Is It Cold in Here, or Is it Just You?” (courtesy of Mark) The BMI database lists a song called "Is It Cold In Here" by Joe Diffie.
“It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)” by Tracy Lawrence (ASCAP)
“I've Been Carrying a Torch for You so Long that it's Burned a Great Big Hole in my Heart” by Nino Temple and April Stevens. There are 2 songs called "Carrying a Torch" in the BMI database.
“I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.” Written by Jack Clement (BMI)
“I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.”
“I've Got a Cowboy In The Saddle, and Another One's Holding My Horse” (courtesy of Laurena) We now have independent confirmation of this one from Tracy, who has a copy of the '45! (1981 Acclaim Records Canada) by Iris Larrat - written by M.R. Garlow & Neil Patton Rogers
“I've Got the Cob, If You've Got the Corn” (courtesy of Marvin)
“I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night”
“I've Heard that Tear Stained Monologue You do There by the Door Before You Go” by John Hartford (courtesy of Joel)
“It Ain't Easy Being Easy” by Roseanne Cash (courtesy of Pamela)
“It Took a Helluva Man to Take my Anne, but it Sure Didn't Take Him Long” (courtesy of Rick)
“It's Not the High Cost of Living, It's the Cost of Living High” (courtesy of Buddy)
“I've Got Those Feed 'Em In The Morning, Change 'Em, Feed 'Em In the Evenin' Blues” by Tennessee Ernie Ford (BMI) (The official title is "Feed 'Em In The Morning Blues")
“I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It'd Strain Our Love” (courtesy of David)
“Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills” by Ray Stevens (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“Jesus Loves Me But He Can't Stand You” (courtesy of Michael) by the Austin Lounge Lizards
“Jim, I Wore A Tie Today”
“Last Night I Went to Bed with a "10" and Woke this Morning with a "2", by Willie Nelson (courtesy of Janet)
“Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket", Written by Daniel Hogan, Gladys & Ronny Scaife (BMI)
“Legendary Chicken Fairy", by Jack Blanchard & Misty Morgan (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“Let's Do Something Cheap and Superficial" (courtesy of Dan) by Burt Reynolds (Smokey and the Bandit 2 soundtrack) written by Richard Levinson (BMI)
“Make Me Late For Work Today." Five songs with this title in the BMI database, including one by Paul Brandt.
“Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)” ”Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Baby's Head)” (Conflicting submissions on this blues tune - anyone??) ”Get the Hammer Mama, There's a Head on Papa's Fly” (Now that's the best one yet)
“Meet Me In the Gravel Pit, Honey, cuz I'm a Little Boulder There” (courtesy of Maggie)
“Messed Up In Mexico, Living On Refried Dreams” (courtesy of Jennifer, who said it was on heavy rotation on the radio in Montana)
“Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?”
“My Give-A-Damn Is Broken” (courtesy of Randy) written by Ammons-Baker-Martindale-Whisenhunt (BMI)
“My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus.” (courtesy of Paul) by Jimmy Buffett
“My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart” (courtesy of Charles)
“My Lips Want to Stay (But My Heart Wants to Go)” by Hank Wangford
“My Phone Ain't been Ringing, so I Guess it Wasn't You”
“My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him” Written by Phil Earhart (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
“Nashville Rash” Written by Kenneth Dale Watson (BMI)
Ned Nostril (and his South Seas Paradise, Put Your Blues on Ice, Cheap at Twice the Price Band, Icky Icky Ucky Ucky) by Ray Stevens (BMI) (courtesy of Narkspud, who actually owns the album and confirms that it's even printed this way on the label)
“Nobody Wants to Play Rhythm Guitar Behind Jesus” (courtesy of Russell) by the Oak Ridge Boys - written by T.A. Hill (There's a Terry Allan Hill in the ASCAP database, but no titles registered)
“No Way, Conway (I Ain't Gonna Twitty Tonight)” (courtesy of Narkspud) Supposedly recorded by Teresa Brewer.
“Occasional Wife” Written by Robert William Scott (ASCAP)
“Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You” (courtesy of Charles) According to Jeff, this is by Rolf Harris. Haven't been able to confirm it.
“One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain't Gonna Be There)” by Richard (Dick) Hardwick - courtesy of Tom.
“Our Love is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain't the Same” (courtesy of Ned)
“Out of My Head and Back in My Bed” (courtesy of Stacy) Stacy says this was recorded by Loretta Lynn. I've found 2 similar titles in the BMI Database: "Out of my Head and Back in my Bed" by Snuff Garrett "Out of my Head and Back in Bed" by Peggy Forman
“Overlonely and Underkissed”
“Pardon Me, I've Been Pardoned” Written by Michael Manuel (BMI)
“Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill” by Johnny Paycheck (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
“Phantom Of The Opry” A whopping 7 entries in the BMI database for this one.
“Pick Me Up On Your Way Down” by Patsy Cline (BMI)
“Pick Me Up Or Let Me Down” by Hank Smith (SOCAN)
“Poultry Promenade” by Diamond Rio (BMI)
“Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox When I Die” (courtesy of Laura) by Joe Diffie - written by Blaylock-Perdew-Phillips (BMI)
“Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer” Written by Dennis Linde Recorded by Sammy Kershaw, and Country Dance Kings
“Redneck Martians Stole My Baby” by Hank Flamingo (BMI)
“Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer” by Johnny Russell (ASCAP)
“Refried Dreams” by Tim McGraw (BMI)
“Run for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)” by Zeke Masters and his Band, Written by Julian Kay & Zeke Manners (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight” (courtesy of Garnet)
“She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw" (courtesy of Katrina) by Rick Stanley.
“She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime” by Johnny Duncan (courtesy of Bill)
“She Dropped me in Denver So I Had a Whole Mile to Fall” (courtesy of William) by The Gatlin Brothers
“She Feels Like A New Man Tonight”. Five songs with this title in the BMI database.
“She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft” by Jerry Reed (courtesy of Charles)
“She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger” (courtesy of Charles)
“She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass” (courtesy of Marc)
“She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart” (courtesy of Charles)
“She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer” by Sligo Studio Band, written by Robert Bivens (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy” Written by Jim Collins & Paul Overstreet (BMI)
“She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas” (courtesy of James)
“She's Actin' Single..... I'm Drinkin' Doubles” by Gary Stewart (BMI).
“She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)”
“Skillet Full of Crisco” written by Null Cecil Allen (BMI)
“Slap 'Er Down Again Paw” by Arthur Godfrey (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone” by Roy Clark (BMI)
“Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You” Written by Max Barnes, Frank Saulino & James Valentini (BMI)
“That "It's All Over" Feeling (All Over Again)” by The Clarks - written by Stephen Clark & Rae Mac (ASCAP)
“The Alcohall of Fame” by Wayne Kemp - from the album of the same name.
“The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
“The Last Word in Lonesome is Me
“The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
“The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe" by C. W. McCall (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“The Pint Of No Return.”
“There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You (courtesy of Atley)
“There's A Tear In My Beer” by Hank Williams
“They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out (courtesy of Charles) ”They Can Lock Me Up for Lovin' You, but They Can't Keep My Face from Breakin' Out” (variation courtesy of Peter)
“This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad” by Tammy Wynette(courtesy of Bill)
“This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through” by Kitty Wells (courtesy of Bill)
“Tight Fittin' Jeans” Two songs in the BMI database with this title.
“Timber... I'm Fallin In Love” (courtesy of Kathy) by Patty Loveless. Written by "Kostas" (BMI)
Trainwreck Of Emotion” Written by Allen Kohnhurst & Jonathan Vezner (ASCAP)
“Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother” by Jerry Jeff Walker "Great Gonzos" (courtesy of Ed) Also recorded by Willie Nelson, written by Ray Hubbard (ASCAP)
“Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart (courtesy of Charles) Did find a song in the BMI database called "Velcro Heart"
“Waitin' In Your Welfare Line” by Buck Owens (BMI)
“Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In” Four songs in the BMI database called "Walk Out Backwards"
“Warm Beer and Cold Kisses” by Stallins & Crowe (BMI)
“Warm Beer Cold Women” by Tom Waits (ASCAP) Wouldn't call Tom Waits country, though....
“We Feed Our Babies Onions So We Can Find 'Em In The Dark” (courtesy of Stephen)
“We Used To Kiss On The Lips, But It's All Over Now” (courtesy of Cheryl)
“Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me” Two songs in the BMI database called "Welcome to Dumpsville" (courtesy of Jim)
“What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made a Loser Out of Me”
“When the Lightning Struck the Coon Creek Party Line” by Hoosier Hot Shots (courtesy of "Narkspud")
“When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-Bye” (from Sally in Sacramento)
“Which Way Do I Go (Now That I'm Gone) ?” by Waylon Jennings - written by Stephen Clark & Rae Mac (ASCAP)
“Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?” by Buck Owens (BMI)
“Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?”
“Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?” (courtesy of Steve)
“Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?” by Shania Twain & Mutt Lange (ASCAP)
“Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?” by Crystal Gayle, also recorded by Ronnie Milsap (courtesy of the Johnson family)
“Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw” by Jimmy Buffett "All the Great Hits" (courtesy of Karen, James & Ed)
“Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?” by Ray Stevens, Written by Chet Atkins & Margaret Archer (BMI)
“Yard Sale” (12 exciting songs share this title in the BMI database)
“You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'” by Toby Keith (BMI) (courtesy of Chili)
“You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man” by Loretta Lynn (courtesy of Bill)
“You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins') (courtesy of Jim)
“You can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out by Randy Scruggs (courtesy of Dave )
“You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too”
“You Can't Haul a U-Haul Into Heaven” written by Clark-Mac-Northrup (ASCAP)
“You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd” by Roger Miller (BMI)
“You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue” Apparently by a British spoof country singer, "Hank Wangford." Courtesy of Jan from Essex.
“You Done Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often” (courtesy of Dave)
“You Done Changed my Lifestyle” by Earl Hines (BMI)
“You Done Me Wrong, But at Least You Done Me!” (courtesy of Aaron ) Several songs titled "You Done Me Wrong" appear in the databases.
“You Done My Brain In” by Neil James Innes (BMI)
“You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)” According to multiple emails, this was written by Mason Williams (yes, the "Classical Gas" guy) and recorded by various artists including John Denver. "You done stomped on my heart and mashed that sucker flat, you just sorta, stomped on my aorta. You started going out with guys, I felt us drift apart, and every step you took, was a stomp right on my heart."
“You Done The Wrong Woman Wrong “ written by Connie Rae Harrington (ASCAP)
“You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life” (courtesy of Charles)
“You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go” (several submissions)
“Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns.”
“You're Not Free & I'm Not Easy” written by Herb Coleman & Robert Morrison (ASCAP)
“You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off” by Hoyt Axton, Written by Woody Bowles (BMI)(courtesy of Eli)
“You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch” by Gail Davies (BMI) (courtesy of Susan)
“You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation" Could this be "My Bad Reputation" by Woody Guthrie?
“You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
“You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (courtesy of Charles, with more info from Ray)) By Lola Jean Dillon & L.E. White (BMI) Apparently also recorded by Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty
“You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life”
“You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?” by The Louvin Brothers (courtesy of Art)
“You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart” by Sneezy Waters (courtesy of Paul)
“80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper”
“800 Pound Jesus” by Sawyer Brown. Written by Billy Maddox & Paul Thorn (BMI)
And my personal, all-time fave:
Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye. Coincidentally, also the title of a 1993 book by Playboy magazine columnist Cynthia Heimel.
I can't take credit for the complete list..... parts were scavenged from an old, frequently-photocopied piece of wire copy that's been floating around newsrooms for years. Whoever started the list, I salute you!
No, I don't know who recorded all of them or where you can find the records. (If it's not in the list, I don't know!) I also make no claims about the accuracy of these titles - many have been emailed to me by folks who have run across this page and enjoyed it. (Thus, variations on the titles of individual song.) Yes, I realize that not all of them are strictly "country." Yes, some of them are probably novelty songs so they might not really belong on this list - which, by the way, is why "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?" doesn't appear here. Similarly, I've chosen to exclude "I'd Rather Have a Bottle In Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy" because - well, because it's so true! But if I haven't heard it, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.
There are some novelty songs that deserve to be listed just because their titles sound so authentic: “If I'd a Knowed that You'd a Wanted to of Went with Me, I'd a Seed that You'd a Got to Get to Go” From Martin Mull's "Fernwood 2Night" TV show, sung by "Elwood P. Suggins" (courtesy of James)
“She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty” (courtesy of Charles) A novelty song from the 1940s by Larry Vincent (ASCAP)
I'd Like You a Whole Lot Better if We Slept Together (courtesy of Dan) We're pretty sure this is actually "I might like you better if we slept together," which is a line from the 1981 song"Never Say Never" by Romeo Void, a New Wave band - pretty much the least country-like song on the list! (You can listen to a RealAudio file on their website and hear for yourself.)
Then there's Tom Scott, who came up with an appropriate original title for me: "I Made Up The Title, You Make Up The Song"
Scott Orr went an extra step and actually wrote an original song: "I Kissed Her On the Lips, and Left Her Behind for You"
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