MY NEIGHBOR GOT A NEW CAR
by THE ALCHEMIST, AL THOMAS, 4-10-05

I don’t know what kind it is, but I saw it on TV running full speed along the shore (I don’t live near  the shore) throwing up spray or maybe it was that one climbing up the steep mountain trail thru the mud, rocks and snow. Very exciting. (I don’t live near the mountains either.) WOW! Just what I need.  But there are a few obstacles.  It costs about $28,000. (That’s close to the average annual wage.)  I have perfect credit and they’ll give it to me for no money down. All I have to do is make the monthly payments for the next 5 years of only $541. Maybe it won’t be that much because I’ll be trading in my car and I have it almost paid for it. I can see me now headed for the beach or climbing that mountain in that shiny new car. I tell my wife. She says, “So”.  I say, “Waddayamean ‘so’?”

She elaborates that our car is almost paid for and hasn’t a scratch on it. It looks like new when it is washed and waxed and runs great. She whacks me with if I want a different car we can have this one repainted and put on new slip covers. The transmission and AC have both been replaced and it has less than 100,000 miles on it. She remembers the engine is rated for 200,000 miles and the tires are good for another 50,000 miles. How does she recall those statistics? I can’t win for losing with this woman.

There is a tone in her voice that I know means finality when she iterates, “You might want a new car, but we don’t need one”. My reply is the car might break down and may cost thousands to fix”. Her lightning reply, “Well, it won’t cost $28,000 and our insurance bill won’t go up either. If you want payments you can make an extra mortgage payment each month. Better yet let’s knock down that credit card debt.”

                I hear the air hissing out of my balloon.  No beach. No mountains. Forget all that practical stuff like saving for retirement or having some extra cash put away for emergencies. Damn.  BUT - my neighbor has a new car.