EAST TEXAS MENSA

ETM MONTHLY HUMOR

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BOYS PUFF UP  
from Speedy

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked.  She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped. looking into the rear-view mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do" I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um .  .  .  well" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have  those things?" Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well .  .  .  um" I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said.  "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it,- and I did,- she got over her pique.  That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely i can't look that old?"  I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm,...or could he???

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

Carol's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.  Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!  

A week later, Carol was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!  Carol asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Carol told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.  I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."  A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.  When they stopped for lunch, Carol asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.  The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."  The third just sits there quietly.  So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."  The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says, “Bartender, got any specials today?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.  It’s a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and a double shot of Smirnoff vodka.”  “What the heck do you call that?”  “A Pabst Smir.”

Smart man + smart woman = romance;  Smart man + dumb woman = affair     Dumb man + smart woman = marriage;  Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC  Smart boss + smart employee = profit; Smart boss + dumb employee = production  Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion; Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS   A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS   To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.  To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY   Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE   A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE   A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A young man from a prominent family was being divorced by his glamorous wife. His lawyer called with news about the property settlement. "The good news is that she isn't asking for any share of your future inheritance."  "Great!" said the young man. "What's the bad news?"  "Well," said the lawyer, "after the divorce, she's marrying your father!"

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.  Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.  Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.  A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.  Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.  Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.  Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.  Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.  It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.  You cannot unsay a cruel word.  Every path has a few puddles.  When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.  The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.  Don't judge folks by their relatives.  Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.  Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.  Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.  Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.  If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.  Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.  The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.  If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Read this question and come up with an answer before you look at the answer.  This is not a trick question.  It is as it reads.  I only know one person who got the right answer so far.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know.  She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that!  She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him afterward.  A few days later, she killed her sister.

Question:  What is her motive in killing her sister?  (Give this some thought before you answer.)

Answer:  She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.  This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.  Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.  If you didn't answer the question correctly, lucky for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my list, unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you.  Have a nice day, or not, whichever you prefer . . . just don't hurt me.

A Scotsman was stranded on a desert island for 10 years when one day a gorgeous, shapely, young blonde woman in a scuba suit emerged from the surf. She approached the stunned Scotsman and said: "Tell me how long has  it been since you've had a cigarette? "Ten years," he replied.  With that, she unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He took one, lit it, took a long drag and said, "Oh that's good."

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey?" she asked him. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."  She unzipped her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and handed it to him.  He opened the flask, took a long swig and said, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"  At this point she started slowly unzipping the long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit, looked seductively into the man's eyes:  "And how long has it been since you've played around?"  With tears in his eyes, the man fell to his knees and sobbed,  "Sweet  Mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.  Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

                Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?  Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:  A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:  H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K  =  8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%  and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E  =  11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E  =  1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.   And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%.  AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.  A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G  =  1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

A piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.  As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.   Therefore...

In the last 30 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so...  Without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!  I owe my life to chocolate!

(What’s wrong with the math here?)

ARIES Drinking style - Impulsive. Aries people like to party and  sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting  Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.  Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you-so long as you haven't  gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky  Gemini.

TAURUS Drinking style Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to  employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler.  God, no!  A  squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some  would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI Drinking style Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just  hard to tell sometimes.They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the
magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once.They like to order different cocktails every round.  Repetition is boring and may create a theme (like yellow drinks:  beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER Drinking style Cancer is a comfort drinker and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces,  Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating  themselves on VIP lists and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are  never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer.  Even your second favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO Drinking style Leo likes to drink and dance.  They're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling!  Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control.  When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to  ensue and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over)  Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO Drinking style Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure, but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked but, oh, when they do!  Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped.  It's dead sexy  (and surprisingly unsloppy).  As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA Drinking style "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone.  Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are  notoriously lacking in self-control however, which can get them into  all sorts of trouble including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO Drinking style Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool, though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything, especially what you did when you were  blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS In vino veritas-and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.  Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole  Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else, like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping;spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty-no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please.  And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble?  But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up  and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS Drinking style Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case.  Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES Drinking style If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain.  Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast.  Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of  margaritas and wind up in bed together for days.  The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.

..Now you know everything

A cat died and went to Heaven.  God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years.  Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.  I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more."  Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer he made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms.  If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again." God said, "It is done!"  All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.  He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.  God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life!  My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over are delicious!"

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.  She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.  After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.  She repeats this gesture about eight times.  At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.  Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.  The following statements about the Bible were written by children.  They have not been retouched nor corrected. (ie. incorrect spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tierd of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavenend bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The first Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who  followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

1. Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

2. Strike while the..............................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before...............Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of.....termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but......how?

6 Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.

7. No news is...........................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a.........................Mr..

9. You can't teach an old dog new..........math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust............................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the......pigs.

13. An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.

15. Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is.........................not much.

17. Two's company, three's...............the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.......you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed..................get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY

What do you expect from such simple creatures?  Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO  T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.  You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.  Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.  You know stuff about tanks.  You can open all your own jars.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.  You can play with toys all your life.  Your belly usually hides your big hips.  One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.  You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.  No wonder men are happier! 

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a A&M Alumni gathering, and his (blonde) AGGIE hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.  "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."   "What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.  Which one?' “   The Aggie blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.”

As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"  The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.  As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"  Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A retired couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. But I don't want the eggs."  Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"  My wife asked incredulously.   "I'll take the special."  How do you want your eggs?"   “Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.  She took the two eggs home.

There were two Catholic boys,Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.  Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.  They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.  Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.  In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.  The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! 

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.  With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"  After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola." 

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